i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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