Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
