The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
