Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
