I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
