My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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