Screwed.edu
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
