Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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