you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
