so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
