I think my fart just growled at me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize