just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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