Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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