Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I am in a vortex of obligation.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
People in love make me want to vomit
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
