i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
