He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
