have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
