I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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