Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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