Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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