Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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