He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
