wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
