She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
