The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
