look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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