I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
