I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
