so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
