i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
