I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize