I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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