I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Church boner. Awkwardddd
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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