Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
