I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
