i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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