It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
That's when you crack a 10am beer
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
