Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
