Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize