i just sent this text using only my big toe
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
