Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my shit smells like andre
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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