youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Even my vagina gasped.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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