I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
