my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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