I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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