1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
