The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
