My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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