Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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