The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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