My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
