Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
