Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
