I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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